Sunday, June 20, 2010
LIVING WITH A BRAIN TUMOR Day 7: Creative Paralysis
I’m writing this while I sit on my patio on this stunning Sunday afternoon. Warm sun, gentle breeze. Although some would call them untended, my gardens have a lush, non-manicured look that I love. It’s a look that speaks to me of abundance. And it’s abundance that I’m well aware of. In more ways than I can count I am a very lucky woman. So why this big crash? Can’t say I’m feeling sad or depressed, just unable to do anything. For example: I start to clean my studio but there’s still a pile of photos on that table, and this one is still full of palettes that need cleaning. I set up my easel, pour out some paint, pick up a brush...and half an hour later I come out of my reverie. Same position, same blank canvas. I start a book and 18 pages later discover that the eyeballs have been moving but nothing’s registered. Usually it’s stunning days like today that rev my engines. But this time I’m parked in idle. The last time I recall being like this was 39 years ago when I experienced what my physician called a threatened pregnancy. Everything came out just fine, but the interim between those words and the all-clear was one of tense waiting. I remember feeling as if I were responsible for everything but able to control nothing. I wish I had some wise words of insight into this dilemma. I know I’m not the first to have experienced it and I know I won’t be the last. I also know that I’ll get past it. If I find any magic pathway, you’ll be the first to know. As for now, I think I’ll take a nap.